Deliberate.

I joke a lot about how I couldn't live without a planner, about how I'm a slave to my schedule, but it's actually the truth. I do a lot of things just because, "...that's how I do it." I rarely deviate from my routine and, if I do, it often feels like quite the ordeal. In a lot of ways, this works out to be a good thing. I'm productive and get a lot done, but recently I've started to question why I do certain things, or why they have to be done my way.

This is something that's been crossing my mind more and more lately, but I never really put words to it until last weekend. It started because I had planned to run Saturday morning with my dad and running buddy. Save for a few occasions, I always run on Saturday mornings. It's just what I do. Friday evening I got a text saying that since the weather would be better on Sunday, they wanted to run Sunday instead. To a normal person, this seems perfectly reasonable. I, on the other hand, spent the next half hour agonizing over how I could possibly rearrange the rest of my weekend schedule to make this work.

This is just one example of the visceral reaction I have to even the possibility of my plans and my routine changing. It might sound dramatic, but I'm being honest when I say that sometimes I really feel like I'm being held captive by my Type-A brain. I hate feeling that way. I hate freaking out over something as silly as running a day later than I planned. It makes me feel seriously crazy.

I talked it out with my husband and, as usual, he gave me some great advice. His biggest suggestion: "Own it." Yep, own the crazy. I agree with him that this is something to work on. It makes no sense that I have a strong enough confidence to go through with things like getting up at 5am on Saturdays, or running through 6 inches of snow, but not enough confidence in what actually motivates me to do those things. I'm not confident because I don't think I have any reason or right to be. Going off the running example, I'm an average runner at best. I feel like people will judge me for being so strict about following a training plan to the T, just for mediocre results (although my logic is that if all I get from doing everything right is mediocre, imagine what I'd be like if I didn't train right!). But my husband is right (don't tell him I said that). It's not about what my reasoning is. It's just who I am, and as long as I'm being true to myself and my passions, I should be proud and own it!

So, I want to work on owning it, but even more than that, I want to work on really being deliberate in my actions. Around the New Year I remember seeing and hearing a lot of talk about choosing a specific word to focus on for the year. I didn't think much of it at the time, but 5 1/2 weeks in, I can say that even though I hadn't found the right word yet, I now know that "deliberate" is mine. I am so good at going through the motions of my schedule, checking things off my to-do list, but I want to stop and ask myself why? Not only that, but I want to be able to give myself a good answer to that question! There have been so many times I've questioned myself briefly, only to shrug it off and carry on. I may or may not end up having a good answer. Maybe I don't need a good answer every single time. But I do need to find a balance where, instead of being controlled my neuroses, I'm the one in control.

Source

What's your "word" for the year? If you could only pick one to describe how you want to live life, what would it be?

1 comment :

  1. I haven't come up with a word for the year yet, but I like yours. I'm just like you-- don't F with my plan! It's definitely easy to get caught up in the inertia of the plan and forget why you made the plan in the first place. Good luck with being more mindful and deliberate!

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