Humpday Confessions!

Vodka and Soda

Today I confess that...

- this link-up is my fave but it has been weeks since I last participated. Weeks! I've had some deep stuff to talk about lately and now that I've gotten that all out of my system, I feel like the clouds have started to part a little bit.

- I got a D on a test yesterday. I am normally a straight-A student so admitting that is like...kind of a big deal. It was totally my fault, I didn't study something because I didn't think it would be on the test and then bam, there it was. I even thought about looking over it beforehand, just in case, but for some reason I just...didn't. Luckily my other grades are still good enough that I can still get an A in the class. My final is tomorrow morning and if anybody needs me, I'll be at my desk cramming differential equations until my brain hurts.

- I haven't swam in almost 2 weeks. Basically once I decided not to do the half-Ironman in June, I stopped swimming altogether. I still have other tri's coming up though...I'm thinking about just winging the swim part. Great plan or greatest plan?

- unhelpful people suck, but helpful people are super awesome. That thing I've been stressing about nonstop for the last week? A lot of what is going to happen is dependent on other people and some are helping more than others. Today I heard back from someone who is actually willing to help me and she made my day!

- I can't WAIT to go on our mini-vacay. It's only going to be for a couple of days, but it is going to be SO nice to have nothing to think about other than what drink I want from the poolside bar.

- I want to read all the dirt everyone else is spilling today BUT I have to go back to studying first :(

A Runcation, A Vacation, and Other Things

Whew! The last few days have been insane - and not necessarily in a good way. I feel like I've been chewed up and spit back out. I've spent the last week trying to figure out some important stuff and make some important plans, but a lot of it has been dependent on other people and that stresses me out! I'm a control freak and hate not being in charge of what's going on. I don't handle stress very well and I have pretty much been a basket case since last Thursday. It got so bad that I spontaneously burst into some sun salutations in the middle of my kitchen while cooking dinner Friday night. Like seriously, just out of nowhere, that felt like the appropriate thing to do I guess?

This weekend I did a whole lot of random things and took exactly zero pictures. Saturday morning my dad and I went on our last long run before our half marathon this weekend. Even though I haven't been training to PR it per se, I know that I have gotten faster since my last half in November (that's what spending the months of November-March training for 2 full marathons will do I guess?). Based on my last couple of long runs I do think I have a shot at a PR, but mostly I'm just hoping to have a good time! The race is in the Outer Banks and we are sharing a house with several friends who are coming to race or just watch. I love runcations! :)

The rest of Saturday I decided to just relax. I got a massage in the afternoon and after that Ben and I got Chinese for dinner and had wine and watched "Your Inner Fish." We caught a little bit of one episode on PBS a few nights earlier and it was so interesting we decided to catch up on the other 2 episodes. It was seriously the most fascinating program I think I've ever seen. Look it up!

Sunday Ben had to work and I had a bunch of homework and housework to do, so that pretty much sums up my day. I did make a breakthrough on what I've been stressing over, though, so that perked me up and made me a little more hopeful. I know I'm being really vague but I don't want to say anything until things are more finalized and official. If I had it my way that would be like, yesterday, but it's not up to me. I'm trying to trust that it will all work out. Just breathe.

I woke up this morning feeling a little bit better - probably because this is the first Monday in 3 months that I didn't have to wake up at 5:30am! It's the last week of classes and I'm already done with my Monday am class. The rest of my classes will be over after tomorrow and then exams start on Thursday!

I've had a lot of self-doubt lately. I've felt completely unable to make the "right" decisions. I've felt defeated. I've wondered why I can't just be "normal." I just haven't been my usual, go-get-'em, I-can-do-anything self. I checked Facebook this morning and when I saw this picture, I knew it would all be okay.

Another thing getting me through right now? Ben and I finally booked a vacation! I'm in desperate need, can't you tell?! Our vacation starts the minute my last exam ends next Wednesday.

Any guesses on where we're going? The answer might surprise you! ;)

3 Years of Running: A Letter to my Former Self

Dear first-day-of-Couch-to-5k Tracy,

Hi, it's future you! It's three years later, and you're still running! You are what people call a "real runner", how unbelievable is that? I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. I wouldn't lie to you.

You just completed your first of what will be many runs. I know you don't think it really counts, because you walked twice as much as you ran today, but I promise it does!

A quick word of advice: those hideous Brooks you got fitted for? Don't trade them in for a cute pair of Saucony's you find on the internet. You will get shin splints, and you will be sad.

In just a couple of weeks, you are going to feel like a whole new person. You are going to wonder how you lived the first 23 1/2 years of your life without running. You are going to feel euphoric every time you reach a new goal. Those 5-minute runs scaring the life out of you right now? Girl, you got this! You are going to wish you could give yourself a giant high 5 every time you make it back to your apartment and realize you just ran there.

You are going to huff and puff through some of your runs. You are even going to cry sometimes. That's okay. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it's hard.

In a few weeks, you are going to run in your first 5k, your first ever race. You are going to make a rookie mistake and not pace yourself correctly. You're going to end up walking at least a third of it. You will feel like you're dying by the end. It won't be the last time.

It's going to take you longer than 8 weeks to complete Couch to 5k. You'll get busy, you'll make excuses, but it's okay. You're going to make it. You're not going to be able to run a full 5k by the end. That's okay too. You'll get there.

You're going to run your first real 5k, the whole thing, without stopping, on your cousin's birthday in October. You are going to be proud that you accomplished something he never got the opportunity to. It will take you over 38 minutes to finish. You won't know that that's a pretty slow time. You wouldn't care if you did.

After that race is when the real fun is going to begin. A few weeks later you'll run your first 10k. In the months that follow, you'll run a 5k in under 30 minutes for the first time. You'll run your first half marathon. Again, your time will not be great. Again, you won't care. You will experience a feeling of pride that you've never felt, at a depth you didn't even know could exist.

You are going to learn to push yourself. Even when you think you have nothing left, you're going to dig deep and find more strength than you ever knew you had.

You will run through the summer and curse the blistering heat. You will run through the winter and your face and fingers and toes will be numb, but you will be happy.

When others are sleeping, you will be running. You will want to be in bed too, but you'll push yourself out the door anyway. You will learn to appreciate the solitude of being the only soul out at 7am on a Saturday morning. You will feel like the world exists solely for you to admire it on your runs.

You will appreciate your sacrifices when you finish your second half marathon over 30 minutes faster than your first one. You will feel like falling over at the finish line, and you'll know that's because you gave it everything you had.

You'll have some big life decisions to make, and running will give you the clarity and the confidence to go after what you want. In a couple years, someone is going to try to bring down the sport that you have grown to love. You won't know what to do, so you'll lace up. Because that's what you do when life gets hard and confusing and you don't know what else to do.

You will learn to dream big. You'll dream the biggest dream of all, a dream you never even knew you had: to run a marathon. You will run all 26.2 of those miles on a cold day in January, on a day when you are 26.2 years old, in the city where you were born. When you cross that finish line, you'll wonder if it all was just a dream. It wasn't. Future you is a marathoner, Trace!

Today you started on a journey that is going to change your life. Over the next 3 years you'll think about this day often, on days when you have success and marvel at how far you've come, and on days when you fail and wonder why you ever started in the first place. You'll have many mantras you'll repeat to yourself over the next 3 years, but the most important one is this: You are going to be great. Keep going.

Keep going. Always. You won't regret it.

Runners Tell All Linkup #3

As I sat down to write this post, I thought back to all of the bad training runs I've had, and even a few bad races, and wondered how I was ever going to choose just one to share today.

I could tell you about the time that I ran my first half marathon and had an asthma attack (among other issues) right smack in the middle. I could tell you how disappointed yet totally proud of myself I was that day. I could tell you how I didn't train for that race properly, and how I learned to follow a training plan. I could tell you about the many places I've had to make emergency bathroom stops. I could tell you the number of times I've had my husband come pick me up because there were no bathrooms in sight. I could tell you how, despite all of these times, I still sometimes break my number one rule: Don't leave the house for a run without going to the bathroom first! I could tell you about running around a track in 100 degree heat, and how I learned to become a morning runner. 

But then it dawned on me that, while I've learned things from all of those experiences, I'm going through a bad training experience right now - and the lesson I need to learn from it might be the biggest (and hardest) of all. 

For me, running has always been like climbing a ladder. I love the Couch to 5k program and can say with 99% certainty that without it, I would never have become a runner, but I think it taught me to view running in this way. Ever since I started, I have always had two-fold goals: accomplishing the task at hand today, while looking ahead at what I can accomplish tomorrow. A 5k led to a 10k which led to a half marathon which led to a full marathon which led to turning right around for another full marathon...I'm finally starting to see what a slippery slope I've been going down. And it's going so fast now that I'm afraid I can't stop. 

This weekend it all came to a head and I had a little bit of a meltdown (I know, people in the world are starving, and I'm flipping out over running). I kept telling myself and everyone I knew that after I ran a marathon, I was going to do a half Ironman triathlon. So, after I ran my first marathon (and then a second), with about 12 weeks to get ready for the 70.3, I dove into yet another training plan. I'm 4 weeks into that plan and this weekend I finally had to admit to myself that my heart just isn't in it right now. Training right now feels like a burden. I don't want to spend 3 hours on a Sunday riding my bike and then swimming for an hour. I just don't. I want to be excited about the training process and working toward a new goal. I don't want to see it as just another wrung on the ladder.

I'm still a little uneasy about this revelation. It does feel freeing, knowing I haven't tied myself to a commitment I may or may not want to make. But it also feels like I've let myself down, like I've failed before I've even started. I haven't made any firm decision yet about what my plans are - but that's kind of the point. That's what I want to use this experience to work through. I pride myself on my ability to set a goal, work toward it, and reach it - but the downside of that is that I have no clue how to just be where I am. I have spent the last 3 years since I started running focusing on where I want to be, not where I am right now. I need to learn how to be where I am, right now, currently. I believe goals are important, but I also know that making them just for the sake of making them is unrealistic and unhealthy. I almost want don't want to do the race I planned on doing, just so I can prove to myself that I don't have to. That the world will continue to spin even if, for whatever reason, even if it's by choice, I don't complete a half Ironman on June 15.

For me, being at a crossroads like this, not knowing where to go or what to do next, that's the true hardship of running (and triathlon) for me. The hard runs, the bad runs, the downright awful runs...they come and go. More often than not, a good run can come in and erase all memory of a bad one. Sometimes all you need is to find a port-a-potty! It's that simple. Learning to find balance, though...that's not as easy of a fix. This time, rather than putting my head down and continuing to move forward, I'm committed to taking a step back and really evaluating what I want to do and why I want to do it. I know this probably wasn't the type of experience Amanda intended for today's topic, but it's where I'm at right now and I doubt I'm the only one who's ever been through this. It was more important to me to keep it real and hope someone can relate!


5 (Things I Currently Have No Time For) on Friday

Thank you all SO much for your comments on my post on Wednesday! That was the first time I've really posted anything that deep or personal before, and I admit that my heart raced a little when I clicked "Publish". I didn't know what people would think, but so many of you had so many kind things to say. Whether you shared your thoughts or just read along silently, thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart!

This week FLEW by but not in a "Wow, that was quick!" way but more of a, "I feel like I am in a whirlwind of stress" kind of way (which is why it's 3PM and I'm just finally getting this post up!). The spring semester is winding down, which is good, but I'll be busy finishing up and tying up loose ends for the next few weeks.

With that said, I have started to think about what I'm looking forward to for my break, when school isn't taking over my days anymore!

1. DIYing some artwork. I love motivational/inspirational quotes probably more than a normal amount. We have some wall space in our spare room (which is where I work out), and I'm thinking about filling it with all kinds of dorky but awesome sayings. Some of my favorites:
2. Painting our bathroom.

The white spots are where I spackled some holes from a shelf that used to be there. The lighter color gray in the top right is not weird lighting - that's actually what all of the corners and edges look like. We ran out of paint for those parts and when we got new paint mixed, apparently it didn't come out exactly the same color that the first batch had. The green is from when I found some extra paint from another project and thought, "Oh, maybe I'll finally paint the bathroom but do it this color instead!" I slapped some on to see what it would look like, and it looked like doodo. I'm probably not as embarrassed as I should be to admit that the light gray and white spackle spots have been there almost 2 years, and the green has been there at least 6-8 months.

3. Getting a proper medal/race bib hanger.

I ran out of room on the shelf several races ago and the bibs are overflowing as well. These aren't even in the same part of the house. FAIL. Looking forward to reuniting them all and giving them some more space!

4. Replacing the carpet in our spare bedroom with wood/laminate. We have wood throughout the rest of the house but the spare room is our gym room, animal room, etc. sooo laminate it is

5. Selling our crap on eBay/Craigslist. I LOVE to get rid of stuff, like it is seriously one of my most favorite hobbies. I especially love when I get money for getting rid of stuff! I have a whole pile just waiting to find a new home, I just haven't actually gotten around to finding one yet.

I hope everyone has a GREAT weekend! Ben surprised me earlier this week with a fancy date night tomorrow night that I can't wait for (even if we might be the only people under age 50 in attendance). Looking forward to sharing it next week!And Monday is the next installment of the Runners Tell All Link-up with Amanda at The Lady Okie! The topic this month is "Share a Bad Race/Training Experience and What You Learned From It". I know, runners are like, I have to pick just one?! I'm sure we all have several to choose from so, if you run, pick one to talk about and link up!

NeVer ForgeT

There are a lot of things we do in life that seem totally normal, totally innocent, and we never even consider that there might be another side to them. Seven years ago, that's exactly how I felt about the media, specifically when tragic events happen. It was something I never gave a thought about. Something crazy, shocking, tragic, senseless happened somewhere in the country, or in the world? Turn on the TV, of course. That changed for me seven years ago today. Seven years ago today, when I turned on my TV, I didn't see nameless faces and unknown locations. I saw my college campus.

You might not remember why today is a significant day, but I promise you knew it was one seven years ago. You turned on your TV, you read the Facebook posts (these were the pre-Twitter days), you saw what happened. Maybe you had never heard of Virginia Tech, maybe you had no idea where Blacksburg, Virginia was. But that changed that day.

Since I know you're thinking it (I know because every time it comes up that I went to VT, someone asks): thankfully, neither I nor any of my friends were hurt. I'm not sure why people ask that, like my "no" answer somehow relieved me from feeling pain that day. Even though my answer is "no," that didn't make that day less confusing. It didn't make it easier to navigate the days that followed. It didn't hurt any less. My time in college will forever have a dark line dividing "Pre" and "Post".

I remember spending that Monday at my then-boyfriend (now-husband)'s apartment, with our eyes glued to CNN, watching with horror and disbelief, as the death toll rose throughout the day. By the way, death toll isn't a term I pulled out of nowhere - I remember it from the CNN graphic, in big bold letters across the lower edge of the TV screen. It was jarring to read those words. Death toll should never be a phrase used in conjunction with educational institutions. And yet, here we are.

The next day the university held a convocation. By that point the media circus that had descended upon our little mountain town was in full swing. That was the first time I really realized how sick the media can be. I remember standing in line waiting to go in to the stadium and having reporters walking up and down the line trying to get people to comment. As if, with all of us standing there confused, shocked, and sobbing, anyone had anything to say that wasn't already painfully obvious. It disgusted me.

As soon as the news networks started airing their stories, suddenly everyone had an opinion on how this happened, why this happened, what the school could have done differently, what the school should have done differently. As if overnight and with some information from their news network of chose, everyone suddenly became as expert on school shootings. Or just on crazy fucking shit that happens in the world. That part was infuriating.

It felt violating. People thought that because they had watched the news coverage, that somehow gave them a right to pull the images they saw out from the TV and manipulate them however they wanted. People who had never even laid their own two eyes on my beautiful Hokie stone-clad campus were writing newspaper articles, blog posts, comments on the Internet, about things that they had no idea about whatsoever. Because they. weren't. there.

April 16 wasn't the first tragedy to occur and it certainly wasn't the last. Sadly, these kinds of things happen more often than they should. Since then, I've found myself conflicted on how to react to other news stories. I hesitate to even call them that, because they're not news stories, they are peoples lives that have just been shattered, lives that will never be the same. I now know that firsthand. I'm especially sensitive to shootings now, so when things like Aurora or Sandy Hook happen (and I hate that those places are now synonymous with one terrible thing that happened there, because I know what that's like firsthand too), I'm really cautious and mindful of how much coverage I listen to or watch about it. After hearing about it initially, I consciously make a decision not to feed into the media frenzy. I think it can too easily get to a point where we've gotten beyond a genuine care for the community experiencing such a terrible thing, and crossed over into feeding our own morbid curiosities. It's distasteful and it's disrespectful, and it's just not something I want to be a part of.

There was a silver lining to all of the media coverage, whether it was welcome or not. Thanks to it, we received an outpouring of love and support from people all over the country, from people who had never even heard of Virginia Tech or Blacksburg before. Maybe some of you reading this had never heard of it before April 16, 2007. All of the messages, the "We are all Hokies today" Facebook profile pictures, the photos of memorial events on other campuses...those are things I will never forget.

It's hard to believe that it's been seven years since that day, since time virtually stood still as we tried to make sense of the how's and the why's. There are things about that day that I will take with me forever - some by choice, some not. Seven years later, there are still more questions than there are answers.  The depression I've struggled with since I was a teenager was at its worst my first two years of college, and at that time I was questioning my decision to be at VT at all.  I will never forget the way my heart swelled as I stood on the field at Lane Stadium at the convocation, with thousands of voices chanting "Let's Go Hokies" in unison. As horrific as this tragedy was, the unity of the school in response to it brought me back to life.

I'm proud of my school and proud of the way our community stood together. I'm proud of the things I've chosen to do and the way I've lived my life since that day. I was proud to be a Hokie on April 16, 2007, I'm proud to be one today, and I'm proud that I'll always be one.

10 Things That Made Me Happy This Weekend

What could be better on this Monday morning than 10 extremely awesome things about my weekend?!

1. Impromptu beach weekend in the Outer Banks!

2. These dudes <3 No one is happier than Bane on the beach, NO ONE!

3. J. Crew Factory sale. "Oh, there's a store in the Outer Banks, that means I can return all this stuff there instead of paying to ship it back!" turned into "Ooooh, what's that? 30-50% off the whole store?!" I'm way prouder than I should be about the fact that I bought less than the amount I returned!

4. Powering through a long run. I had 8 miles on tap this weekend, my longest since Shamrock, but my body seems to have long run amnesia. By 3 miles in I had already taken 3 walk breaks and was wondering how I'd ever make it through. Suddenly around the 5k mark I remembered that I am not a quitter and powered through the rest the best I could. Even with the walking (but not including 2 potty breaks *note to self: Five Guys is not proper running fuel), my average pace was right where it needs to be for the half marathon PR I so desperately want, and my last mile was my fastest of all 8 at 9:11. BAM!

5. Yoga on the beach. I have done this Yoga for Runners by Gwen Lawrence (superstar yoga teacher to pro athletes) so many times I have it memorized. Side note: if you run, you NEED to try this out immediately! I searched high and low for a great yoga routine for runners before finding this one and it is hands down the best ever. It's especially great for helping and preventing injuries and strengthening running-specific muscles! 

6. Getting a like/comment from Gwen Lawrence after posting the above photo on IG #dork

7. Breakfast. I wish I were joking when I say that I go to bed every night excited to eat breakfast in the morning. Weekends are like the Holy Grail of breakfast. This weekend we made cinnamon rolls on Saturday, mmm! And Sunday we went out to breakfast like we do every time we are in the Outer Banks. I am not ashamed to admit that I ordered an egg sandwich, grits, and pancake, all of which turned out to be enormous. It was glorious. 

8. A new distance PR on the bike: 34 miles! Still so far from where I need to be by June (56 miles...oh and then I have to run a half marathon right after nbd), but I'll get there.

9. Swimming a mile for the first time since September - and doing it a minute faster than my mile swim PR from last summer. Bonus points for the fact that it was at the pace I want to swim my half Ironman in June. 

10. Registering for my next races: my 7th half marathon and 5th sprint triathlon! Race days are the best days!

Here's to a new week! :)

Are You In or Are You Out?

This is something I've been wondering about for a while, and I wonder about it more as this little blog grows (baby steps, people!). It's a simple question that I'm really curious about:

Are you in? Or are you out?

...of the "blog closet", if you will.

Do your friends/and or family know about your blog? Do they read it? Do you care if they do? Is your blog connected to your social media in any way? Do you use your personal social media to promote your blog? If they're connected, do you ever worry that your real-life peeps will be annoyed by your blog stuff? If they're separate, do you find it hard to keep up with both? Have you always been one way or the other, or did you change your mind over time? How separate (or not) are your blog life and your real life?!

I have kept some sort of an online journal/blog/whatever you want to call it for many years now, but before opening this one up a few months ago, they've all been private or only open to a small number of people. Thinking about just anybody reading my business - or worse, someone I knew reading it -without me knowing about it scared the bajeezus out of me! Does that sound like the craziest thing in the world? People reading who didn't know I existed 5 seconds ago? Great! People reading who I've know for years? Not so much. I mean I know I'm not that exciting, but still. I've gotten over that somewhat (I think I've made it about 3 months now and this is the longest I've ever gone just laying it all out there for the whole world to potentially read), but a big part of me is still pretty freaked out by that thought.

I had my blog address on my IG profile for a hot second before I took it down, and that's the extent that I've gone "public" so far. I want to interact with you guys outside of blogland, and I do to some extent with my personal accounts. I also know that I've found a lot of great bloggers just by clicking the link in their profile, but I'm too scared to leave mine in my personal profile. I just wonder if it would be easier and maybe more freeing to keep blog life more or less separate from real life.

What's your take? Spill it!!! I really want to know!


I Confess....

It's Hump Day and that's great and all, but I have 2 tests today so I am majorly stressed out and have a lot of hatin' to do. Lucky for me, it's time for another round of Humpday Confessions!

- People that think all running races are marathons annoy me. Look, I get it, you're not into running. That's cool. I've said a lot of dumb shit about things I have no clue about. I'm not taking about you. I'm talking about you, person I've explained to multiple times how long a marathon is. Don't ask me how my marathon went just because I told you I had a race (it was a duathlon, for the record...which I also told you multiple times).

- I blame TV for turning the definition of the word marathon into "something that lasts a (perceivably) long amount of time."

- I don't know what has happened to me but I am turning into a full-fledged girly girl. I'm the type of girl who would be totally happy wearing all black from head to toe 24/7, but lately my wardrobe has looked like a rainbow puked it out. Yesterday I got my nails done and I got purple on my toes and nails, what the what?!

- I'm sad that it's not really time to wear white pants yet. I don't really care about the whole Memorial Day "rule", it just still seems a bit early for all that. I'm ready though!

- The anniversaries of several sad, tragic things that have happened throughout my life time are coming up, all within a 5 day span of each other. I already have anxiety about it.

- Geology is boring. Just throwing that out there.

That's all I got today...

Pluses and Minuses

Are you as happy as I am that it's Monday? No? Okay, just kidding, I'm not either.

+ First things first, notice anything new around here?! Thanks to Erin this blog just got a big ol' makeover! Even though I had no idea what I really wanted at first, and sent Erin like 40 thousand annoying emails that surely made her want to reach through her screen and strangle me, she was so patient and awesome to work with! I am loving the new look and hope you are too. Thank you, Erin!!!

+ Spring has sprung! It took its sweet time, but now that the frost has completely thawed from the ground and my brain, it almost feels like these nice days never left. 

+ Ben and I went on a date to Waffle House and Sonic this weekend because we are so classy like that. I don't think I had been to Waffle House in close to 20 years (omg I'm a dinosaur) but had the most random urge to go. 

- I had to be at school at 8:30am on Saturday, yuck!

- I had plans on Saturday that got changed to Sunday and it kinda threw my whole weekend off. This should not be as big of a deal as it is, I know. 

+ Change of plans on Saturday meant Starbucks runs and more time hanging with these handsome dudes, so I can't even be mad.

+ Sunday was the 1 year anniversary of my first triathlon/first multi-sport event. I celebrated by completing my first duathlon (run bike run) (if you follow me on Instagram you already know this, and if not, what are you waiting for?). + My runs were ridiculously great, + my knee didn't bother me one bit, and + I PR'ed the 5k (27:45)! (I have run faster ones but not officially...but I don't think that's too bad for running 5k and then biking 23 hilly miles beforehand). + I also placed second in my age group (don't ask me how many were in it ;)). My trophy is a wooden owl! Try not to be jealous.

- My pool was closed Saturday for a swim meet so I planned to swim Saturday in between the duathlon and studying...but I fell asleep instead.

Annnd that was my weekend. Gone in a flash like usual!

Avoiding Gray Areas

This email showed up in my inbox this week:

Tracy, avoid gray areas. 

There, the illusion of safety is guarded by the lies of "maybe," "sometime," and "I don't know." There is a truth. There is a way. Life is absolute, and its principles exacting. If you put it out "there," it has to come back. Ask, and it must be revealed. 

Think, speak, and move with your desires, and nothing will ever be the same.


     The Universe

side note - per recommendation from a friend, I've been getting these automated e-mails daily for about 2 years now. Some days they are JUST what I need to hear!

Reading that really got me thinking. Remember that time I told you about how I quit? And about how I totally don't regret it? Well, that part is definitely true. I don't. But I will admit that since I made that decision, I have been in sort of a "gray" area in terms of my professional life. My gray area exists in the fact that I'm a full-time student. Let me tell you a secret about student life: it's safe. It's secure. It's not going anywhere. As long as I keep showing up, the train will keep moving along. I like that. But it creates a gray area in my life.

The gray area here is my indecision, my hesitance, my lack of confidence about getting an internship. I'm not going to rattle off all of my insecurities but the biggest one is that I have never really had to try to get a job. When I interned (i.e. student taught) in college, everything about that experience was set up and decided for me. I got my full-time teaching job through a connection from my university and through my mom. It wasn't a guarantee by any means and I still had to go through all the formalities, but there wasn't a lot of competition (Latin teachers are kind of a niche group, in case you were wondering). I've never really had to put myself out there, professionally. Engineering jobs are still foreign and a little intimidating to me. I'm excited to get an internship, but I keep seeing it as some intangible thing off in the distance. A "maybe," "sometime,"..."I don't know." A one day. A some day. But not a today. 

Reading that email was the kick in the butt I needed to get it together. I realized that my insecurities had turned into excuses that were holding me back and keeping me in the gray area. Where it felt comfortable, and safe. I'll tell you one thing, writing a resume and cover letters until 11pm wasn't the most comfortable thing either. Sending them out did not feel comfortable or safe. But now that I've done it, now that I've moved out of the gray area, I know that I'm better for it. I thought and moved with my desires. I found some really great opportunities that I am really, truly excited about - something I have never really been able to say about a job prospect before. Researching different companies and positions opened my eyes to the world that's out there waiting for me whenever I'm ready to embrace it. It's exciting! Maybe absolutely nothing will come of these applications, but at least I know I tried. If I put it out "there", it has to come back. Maybe the "it" I get back will be totally different from the "it" I put out there. And nothing will ever be the same.

Confession Time

It's Wednesday, y'all know what time it is! Time to link up and get some stuff off your chest with Kathy @ Vodka and Soda!

- one of my biggest pet peeves is people talking REALLY LOUDLY for no reason. The other day I went and sat down at a table at school, in a small little spot where I like to study. There was a girl eating lunch alone at the table next to me. Popped in my headphones, started doing work, minding my own business....five minutes later her friend comes to sit down next to her and talk to her about everything under the sun at a really unnecessary volume. I mean they were sitting right next to each other. Just no.

- I have skipped over a bunch of blog posts this week because I can see the Polyvore set in the preview picture and I can't afford to lust over (and therefore have to purchase) one more article of clothing, jewelry, or pair of shoes. It's not you guys, it's me my bank account.

- if I could get coffee with a friend every day and not be fat and/or be poor, I would do it. I love those conversations. Some people just get it, you know?

- I laughed SO hard at Katie's interview with her husband. I could just picture my husband saying the same things and that made me crack up even more. I can't wait to interview my goofball and see what craziness comes out of his mouth.

- I had to write something important yesterday and I used the Oxford comma twice. BAM!

- I have spent the last couple of days attempting to put my big city dreams into action. Will anything come of it? I have no idea. But I'll never know unless I try. More on that tomorrow...stay tuned!