I Don't (Know If I) Want Kids

There is such an interesting dichotomy in blogging, isn't there? We are so open and willing to share the tiniest minutiae of our days with strangers we'll probably never meet, but then there are subjects we don't dare broach. Fear of judgment, of offending, of vulnerability, of being misunderstood or just plain disliked...it's all there. I've noticed the topic of religion come up a lot lately - why we will or won't talk about it - and I agree that that's something I haven't and don't plan on talking about here (a combination of fear and disinterest, really).

As scary as it is to hit "Publish" on a controversial post, I truly admire those bloggers who put their thoughts and feelings out there for the world to see. One of the great things about blogging is being able to connect with people, to read a post and whisper to yourself, "Oh my gosh! I thought I was the only one!" and realize you're not. You already read the title, so you know what's up: I don't want kids. Or, more accurately, I don't know if I want kids. I usually say the latter, not because I really want to play both sides of the fence, but because I don't think that, at 26, I'm fully prepared to jump on one side or the other. 

As I, a married woman closer to 30 than 20, navigate through Blogland, I have to admit that there are a lot of times I feel out of place. I find so many other bloggers that I share so many things in common with, except I'm missing that one key piece. They either have a kid or two, are pregnant (or trying), or are impatiently awaiting the day they can "start a family."

Growing up, I always thought I'd be a mom. It just seemed like a safe assumption. The same way I planned on going to college, getting married, buying a house, I also planned on having kids. That's just what you do, right? Then I grew up, and I started doing those other things, and I realized that I wasn't just doing them because I was "supposed" to - I made a choice to do them. I did them because I wanted to. Eventually I realized that, if I was going to have kids, I was going to have to decide to do so. It was a choice. The longer I wait, the less interested I become in making that choice.

I don't like kids. I don't hate them, but I don't like them either. To tell you the truth, I don't have a lot of experience being around them. I only had a brother and a couple of cousins growing up, and we were all nearly the same age. I never had younger family members to take care of or dote on. I never really got into babysitting. I have friends with kids, but I usually hang out with them sans kids (thankfully, they understand that, while I love them and know that they love their babies, babies just aren't my jam...and I like to think they appreciate the non-mom time). So maybe it's just a lack of experience. Totally possible. But I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything by not having a mini-me in my life.

I'm selfish. I have no problem admitting that. I'm not completely self-absorbed, of course, and I have friends and family I'd do absolutely anything for. But if we're talking about my day-to-day life...I like having time to do whatever I want. I like having money to spend on whatever I want. I like having the ability to spontaneously go to the movies or go out of town for the night. I am beyond grateful for the opportunity I have right now to go to school and get another degree, and to be able to focus solely on that. I love my life just the way it is. I recognize that being a parent would change my life in a fundamental and monumental way. I'm just not interested in giving up life as I know it for another person who doesn't even exist yet. 

People tell me things like, "You'll change your mind!" or "It's different when it's your own!" (I think it's only fair that I should get to tell them they might change their mind, but now I'm just being snarky). I'm totally open to the possibility that those might be true. I also think those might just be things parents tell themselves to make themselves feel better. At this point, I have no way of knowing for sure. 

I could fill a book (or blog) with all my feelings and reasons and thoughts on why I don't want to have kids, but I'll leave you with just those few. I have lots of dreams and goals and things I want to accomplish, in the next few years especially, and for now, none of them involve having a child. Maybe that will change, maybe it won't. I'm fully prepared for either scenario, but I'm approaching it with a "We'll see what happens" attitude. While my husband isn't quite as ready to jump on board the No-Baby Train as I am, we've agreed to wait until I'm 30 to really discuss it. For now, I'm just going to continue not exactly knowing how to respond when my friends tell me they're pregnant...

Vodka and Soda

22 comments :

  1. having kids is a personal choice. it's totally ok if you don't want them - i know a lot of people who dont want to and that's their choice and nothing wrong with that. kids are tough; they're a money suck and you have little free time but at the same time, it's so rewarding.

    whatever your choices are - they're right for you. never mind what other say or think!

    thanks for linking up!

    -kathy
    Vodka and Soda

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  2. Good for you, girl! Having kids is not for everyone (nor should it be. the world is overrun enough.), and for a long time I thought it wasn't for me. Even now, as C and I get closer and closer to go time, I start getting anxious. I take a moment and drink in the time with the two of us and Grover, and I think "Do I really want to give this up?" C and I actually had that conversation in the car on the way to IKEA the other day. He likened it to the same apprehension that both of us felt in the days leading up to our wedding, which made me feel like less of a horrible person for having slightly chilly feet.

    Anyway, that was a long way of saying that no one should make you feel bad or lesser because of your life choices. (Also, re: your pregnant friends, just congratulate them wholeheartedly and think to yourself "Better you than me!" :)
    )

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  3. I think if you dont want kids or youre not ready you shouldnt feel pressured to have them.

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  4. Yea im def. team no kids lol! ;)

    Lisa,xo

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  5. I love that you posted what's on your heart because I, too love when bloggers actually get real and share parts of their REAL lives with us :) While I definitely do want kids, it's a very personal decision and you shouldn't feel pressure one way or another.

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  6. I think it's great that you posted. As a single, childfree blogger, I know what you mean about feeling out of place here sometimes. I do too. Add to that that I too am unsure if I'll ever have kids. The weird thing to most people is that I do like kids. I started babysitting at age 12, nannied all through college, and can't get enough of the babies I have in my life. But I'm not sure I'll ever want the parental responsibility or the experience of pregnancy of my own. People have a lot of nasty things to say to childfree people though, and it can be hurtful. People, please don't ever tell a childfree woman she doesn't know what real love is! When I get nasty comments and "You'll change your mind!"s, as if these people know my mind and my heart better than I do, I usually like to tell just them that I have a two separate reproductive disorders and am not sure I'm even ABLE to get pregnant. Their tunes tend to change a bit then, and maybe they rethink saying such dismissive things to childfree women in the future! I am happy for everyone I know who has made the choice to become a parent and has successfully done so. I don't really understand why everyone can't be happy for me for the life choices I make that suit my life best too, ya know?

    Whew, sorry. I, too, have a lot of thoughts on this subject ;)

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  7. Thank you for writing this. I struggle everyday with this issue... in a different way. For me, I love kids and I absolutely cannot wait to be a mom...in 5 to 10 years. Everyone around me cannot understand why we want to wait so long and all I keep thinking/saying/screaming is WHY the heck not. I am 26 years old. I got married to my best friend and we have lots of stuff we want to do. I think I am going to be a better parent if wait. We hear the argument, "get it over while you are young." NO! I will always be "young" and take good care of myself and guess what kids don't go away. My poor parents are still stuck with me in certain ways. Wait until you are ready to figure it out. I know it is a terrible thing to say and I hope I don't offend anyone but I truly think every young parent has moments they wished they had waited. Good for you for being honest :)

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  8. Girl there is NOTHING wrong with not wanting kids. (or not knowing if you want kids) What works for one person may not work for another and there is no shame in that!

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  9. Thanks for being honest girl! These are my favorite kinds of posts! :) making the decision TO have kids or NOT TO have kids is totally personal and I respect your reasonings!

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  10. I don't want kids. MFD is still on the fence. I don't blog about it because I don't think it's anyone's business.

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  11. I agree with you on this whole-heartily. Although I'm not married I have been with my bf for 3 years and we're planning on getting married but neither of us are ready to even consider the future possibility of kids...freaks me out just thinkin about it.

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  12. i have seen a lot of these around blogland lately! to be perfectly honest, i always knew i wanted to be a mum, but the closer i get to the age that i am 'supposed' to start having a family, the more i freak out and i know im not ready. i hate when people say 'you're never ready' or shit like that. i know that there will be a time that i am less freaked out than i am now. dont tell me what i know. just like them telling you that you'll change your mind. gah, people. the way i see it, and i mean this in the nicest way possible.... is that the more people that dont have kids, the better. lol. we have enough people on this planet! but if you change your mind, then yay as well!

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  13. I definitely do NOT want kids... never have and HIGHLY doubt I ever will. It's so different for everyone. I think it's ridiculous that people think it should be cut and dry for everyone! (If you want to read my post... http://www.voyageofthemeemee.com/2013/12/kids-arent-for-everyone.html)

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  14. I have always "thought" that I wanted kids but the more I think about it the happier I am that there is an option. I feel ya on being selfish thing which isn't super fun to say but everyday I NEED to have alone time. I am hoping my sister has a few kiddos (she wants them) here in the next few years so I can use it as a test drive of sorts.

    I am SO weird about overpopulation. This doesn't sit well with a lot of people but I think that having more than 2 kids (to replace your partner and yourself) is irresponsible and will create HUGE issues for our children and children's children environmentally/economically. Seeing the Duggars or other families with 5+ children really makes me feel like people aren't thinking about what the world will be like in a few years.. plus I struggle to believe that all children receive the amount of nurturing/attention/financial resources they need. I am also terrified of being pregnant I think?

    ok, this got off topic.. sorry. ANYWAYS. you go, girl. The decision isn't up to anyone but you and your husband, just the way it should be.

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  15. You're keeping it real and I LOVE that. I love this post for so, so, so many reasons.

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    1. So glad to hear that. Sometime it feels weird to put myself out there, but I never regret it.

      P.S. You're a no-reply blogger so I can't reply by e-mail :(

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  16. I agree with you - these are always my favorite posts to read even though they're the hardest to write/publish! While I do want kids one day, I totally respect your decision and can't believe that people give others a hard time about this. To each their own! It's your life and if people can't get over something that is SUCH a personal decision, then they're probably not even worth having around, as harsh as that may sound!

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  17. Such an interesting post to read, as the kid thing has been on my mind a lot lately. I completely know what you mean about being selfish. I love that I can do what I want when I want and not worry about carting around a little kid. We definitely do want kids, and I DO think that feeling can change over time, because 3 years ago I was not at all ready and now I can feel my mind-set changing, but like everyone else said, whatever you guys decide is right for your family is going to be great!

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  18. I have a lot of the same thoughts as you. I never thought I wanted to be a mom, and was always told "you'll change your mind soon enough." Well, I just turned 30, and I still don't want to have kids. Adopt some day? Maybe. But have my own? No way, nada. I am too selfish right now, and as I get older, I know a baby is probably not right for me. Never feel you can't be you. Although, I, too, feel very alone in these thoughts.

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  19. I have considered doing this exact post. I have no desire to have kids and I'm really tired of the pressure. Particularly, from his family. I don't understand why not wanting kids is something to be frowned upon. I truly believe when people go into having kids they only think of the kodak moments and not how hard it is. I'm selfish, too, and I'm ok with that.

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  20. I felt very similarly to you when I got married, and still share a lot of those same feelings now. I'll be 30 this year, though, so I am running out of time to talk about it "later" - I need a plan sometime soon! I never imagined myself as a mom and my husband was fine with that. We have fun with our life of two and I love to sleep in or take a last-minute staycation and I love being lazy. But, I worry that one day that will get old. When all my friends have families and soccer games and trips to Disney World, the wineries and movie trips and stuff will be stale to me. I don't think I will ever regret having them, but I do think I could regret not. But at the same time it's terrifying and I don't know if I'll ever be ready!

    Great post!

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  21. To every woman its always a joy that after marriage the next should be holding her child, I did gave birth to mine but after 4 months I lost her and since then I have not been able to conceive again for the past 7 years after I lost my child. I have been to so many hospitals and I have done series of tests. Though I have a very supporting and understanding husband but I was always thinking about it. It became my major problem every time I see children calling their mommy .i was willing to do any thing and willing to pay any price at all just to have a child of mine own. So one day I came across a post of this man and how he has been helping people of the same problem, I told my husband about it and he said will should give him a try and this is the last, I immediately contacted him on the address I found on the net and I got to he. I told him all that I have been facing and if there is any solution to mine to my greatest surprise he told me to calm down that I was going to have a child soon I did not believe it. He told me that he was going to send me medicine which he did and advice that I should meet with my husband which I did. After some weeks I was feeling really weak I told my husband about it. The next morning I went for a check up after the test I was told by my doctor that I am pregnant I could not believe it I was happy in side but I could not control it so I have to show it out with a tears. Am so happy now because he has restore my life and my home. if you are reading this comment and you have the same problem or you know any one of the same problem please contact him. Here are his contacts drwafesolutioncenter@gmail.com or call/whatsapp him on +2348158836717

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