Denial.

It ain't just a river in Egypt, people.

As I type this, movers are at my house. Piece by piece and box by box, the home I've spent the last 3 years building is being disassemble. This will still be my house, but it will no longer be my home. My name will still be on the deed and I'll still pay the mortgage every month, but someone else's pictures will line the walls, and someone else will unlock the door to come home at night. I'll have a temporary home for a month until our new apartment is ready, and next month we'll move our belongings out of storage and into our new home away from home.

I have so many fears about the next two years. So many things that I've been pushing aside, afraid to really dwell on them. I used to be a worrier but as I've gotten older and realized it really serves no purpose, I've tried to replace worry with more positive and productive thoughts (ones I can turn into action). I haven't even let myself accept the fact that almost nothing that exists in my world this week will still exist a week from now.

My biggest, #1 fear is that I will feel like (and/or be) an outcast in my classes, with no friends or people to study with or talk to. The area I'm moving from is a small metropolis and a fairly big military area, so there were a fair number of non-traditional students attending the school I went to for the last year. I made a really good friend and study buddy who was also my age and going back to school after being in the Navy for 5 years. Virginia Tech, on the other hand, is located in a college town and I'm not sure there will be many other non-traditional students. You'd think it would help that I look like I'm not even allowed to legally purchase beer yet, but I'm afraid it will just be confusing for my classmates when they find out that I'm actually just a weirdo who is married, already has 2 degrees, and could have been their high school teacher.

I'm scared of living in Blacksburg again. I'm a city girl who has lived close to the beach my whole life. The last time I lived in the 'Burg - which is 5 hours west, in the mountains - it didn't go well. It was cold, isolated, and miserable. The depression I've struggled with since a teen hit its lowest point during my second year there, and while there were several factors at play there, I know the location was one of them. It has been many years now since I've been in that bad of a place, mentally, and I'm deathly afraid of slipping and finding myself there again.

I'm scared I won't keep up with running and tri training. Maybe that seems silly, but I over the last year or two I've had a really solid group of people to swim, bike, and run with. I still do most of my workouts solo, and I don't mind that, but it does help to have a buddy or a group to break up the monotony every now and then. And let's not even talk about the fact that I have to swim in a pool I've never been to, that I don't even know of any open water swim opportunities, and that I have to find all new bike and run routes. 

I'm scared of being away from Ben. He has an amazing job here and is one of the most senior employees at his company. He's integral in their success, and thus he has graciously been given the opportunity to continue to work there remotely, but he will have to travel back to the office approximately one week per month. I think we spent a week or two apart once when we were newly dating, and I can count on one hand the number of nights we've been apart in our (almost) four married years. I know it's a sacrifice on both of our parts that we have to make in order for me to go to my dream school, but that doesn't mean it will be easy. He is my BFF and my heart and soul.

Deep down, I know that this is the right decision. I know that seeing Exit 118B on I-81 on Sunday is going to make my heart swell and that, for a second at least, I'll feel some peace. I know the next two years will not be easy, for a multitude of reasons, but I know that they'll be worth it.

{Linking up with Kathy - you should too!}
Vodka and Soda

17 comments :

  1. New things are scary ! I'm the absolute WORST with change. But I guarantee you'll look back on this post in 2 years and go "psh...all that scared for nothing !"

    Before you get there maybe look into some specialty running or triathlon stores ? Usually they host some social runs in the area and that might at least be a good place to start ? I'm finding all sorts of routes thanks to run clubs/pub runs !

    And when it doubt, you always have all of us in the blogosphere to be your support system if you need it :)

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  2. Tracy, it's going to be awesome!! What an exciting opportunity for you to pursue your dream! You'll have to make the effort to find all those new things, community, friends, tri group, but those things do exist in the 'Burg I'm sure! You're going to beyond excel! Don't sell yourself short, friend. :) You're a triathlete. We are not quitters. We know about going the distance, and we're a little insane especially since we do 3 sports at once. You'er going to be fine! Enjoy the ride!

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  3. Big changes are HARD. Especially in the beginning! I hope that the transition goes well and like Lisa said, in 2 years you'll re-confirm that it was so worth it!

    I know that there is a triathlon team at Tech so that may help! There is also a running store right next to the math emporium and everyone in there is super nice! I bet you could find a group through them. Mccomas has a really nice gym now and I'm pretty sure they do an open swim. I hope once you get there and get settled, everything will be great!

    Also love the title pun :)

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    1. Oh yeah the running store is called Run About Sports!

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  4. Aww girl I wish you as successful move! I know fears will be there but you rock and Im sure you will push through and make this a successful transition and new life :)

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  5. Good luck with everything! It'll all be great!

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  6. Hang in there girl! Changes are always difficult, even if you know its the right/best thing!

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  7. You can do this Tracy! Change is hard, and going back to a place that wasn't all roses is hard too. You're a different person now with more years on you and better knowledge of yourself and what you need to do well mentally, physically, and emotionally. Go get 'em!!

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  8. Good luck as you get ready to turn this next page. It really is pretty brave of you to make this decision and take this step, and you had the guts to decide to do it — remember that when it feels too big for you. Change is supposed to be a little bit scary, or else what's the point, really? It's only by leaping out of our comfort zone that we know how much we can really achieve or how tall we can really grow. I have faith that you'll be able to make this adjustment with grace and, if all else fails, you always have us to vent to and ask for support :)

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  9. Good luck with the move and everything that comes after! I think its great that you made a scary decision for the better!

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  10. One of my friends just moved to NC for her husband to go to Duke for two years and her experience was great - they only had each other, so that made them that much stronger! Like you said, you are going for a great reason, and there is an end date to being in a town that isn't your top choice. And as for your husband being away, just fill up the DVR and refrigerator with things he hates and I bet the weeks without him will fly by. Good luck!

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  11. change is terrifying! good luck my dear - i hope it is amazing. i'm sure you'll keep up with your running and training, it sounds like its super important to you!

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  12. I'm definitely a creature of habit so this would terrify me, too... but you CAN do it and it WILL be worth it! Keep your eyes on the prize, friend! :D

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  13. I think all of your fears are completely justified! You are going to have so many changes, but all things that will be worth it in the long run!

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  14. haha, i laughed out loud at your first line. good luck with all the changes, it's scary but it can be so worth it!

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  15. Ahh goo luck honey! It's scary but will be worth it :)

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  16. big changes are hard but just remember that at first it maybe be difficult until you adjust. it'll be worth it in the end ;)

    thanks for linking up!
    -kathy
    Vodka and Soda

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